BioShock and the Price of Entry

Hello! It’s the end of a rather lengthy gaming session of BioShock: Infinite, so I’m going to keep this short! My poor Sherlock crashed on me in the middle of the BioShock: Infinite (hereafter known as BS:I) up-date and the game was corrupted. Oh deary me! So, that means that I had to re-download the whole thing again. So, I’ve been chomping at the bit all night to play it, and I can tell you now that I wasn’t disappointed. It’s excellent! I’m posting the first letsplay now, and you know what that means: Like/Comment on the video and send me a message via YouTube with your name, e-mail or Steam account and I’ll put your name in this hollow plastic skull. Then, once we’ve hit a week after the last video in the contest goes up, I’ll draw a name and that person gets a lovely copy of the game that started it all: BioShock. If you haven’t played it, then now would be a good time to start!

I want to do a full review of this game once I’m done, so I’ll keep it short. The game-play is visceral, the pacing is admirable, the atmosphere is thicker than the hide on a form-changed lungfish (Proteus Manifest refernce lawl) and the characters are alive. It reminds me of the first time I stepped into Rapture during the original game. You can really feel the soul of the game again now that the original developers are back. Yay. Praise be! Our saviours have returned, etc.

bioshock_infinite_2

So, aside from doing a little unabashed advertising, I also wanted to talk about how truly amazing video game characters are. I know, I know, many of them earn it by defeating armies of skeletons and the occasional really big skeleton, but I was playing Far Cry 3 and I realized that, to be a video game protagonist, you need a laundry list of skills before you can even step out into the game:

-amazing sense of direction (way-point markers don’t map themselves)
-extra-sensory perception (seeing enemies through walls or tracking them simply by remembering where there were via camera… ahem… Far Cry 3)
-incredible regenerative abilities (health and bullets… just don’t work that way)
-incredible analytical abilities (you rarely need anything clarified and you always know what everyone is talking about when you should)

– ability to pick up any skill ever (I know it takes some time to learn to craft things in games, but do you know how long it would actually take to learn how to make a sword, let alone a magical one?)

-more horseshoes than there are horses (Everything always works out in the end. Always.)

-incredible good looks (Try to think of the last ugly video game protagonist you played as that wasn’t also badass)

-accurate and pertinent recall (You never forget the words you want to use or the events of the past year. Your memory is flawless.)

-Mapping and orienteering (Even when you’re not finding way-points, you can draw detailed maps from memory)

-Complete lack of regard for ownership (You’re ballsy as fuck when it comes to scooping up whatever or whoever you need)

-Public speaking skills (You always know just what to say)

-Perfect vision (speaks for itself and it’s improving as graphical fidelity improves)

-Strong back and perfect posture (How else do you explain the frankly herculean carrying capacities of even the most inventory-limited heroes?)

-The ability to sprint and jump without worrying about twisting an ankle or getting tired and sore)

-unrivalled hearing (Even when you’re walking away, you can always hear what people are saying through the subtitles)

-intense charisma (You are the chosen one, of course you are. There was never anyone else. How could there be?)
-Extended sight (The uncanny ability to see around corners with a simple twist of the camera that’s hovering behind you)

-In-depth medical knowledge and on-the-fly diagnostic abilities, as well as structural understandings and rapid metric conversions (How else do you explain health bars)

-Practical knowledge of magic and explosive devices where applicable (Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it took years of training and risk…elline.)
…And many, many more…

To be fair, there’s a lot that you need to be able to do to be a true hero, but even our most basic video game protagonists are head-and-shoulders above the average individual. If you plan to re-enact any of your favorite digital story-lines, then you’re going to need to get studying/practicing/working-out. There’s a LOT to catch up on. Oh, also, you might want to evolve to a higher order of being while you’re at it, because you don’t get floating camera senses by trying reeeeeeeeeeal hard.

Haha anyways, thanks for stopping by and I’ll see you on the other side!

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